It's been quite some time since I've added anything to this blog. I've come here on more than one occasion over the past year and a half to type something up or even post a small graphic depicting how I feel but I always seem to close it out and leave. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, because I have but I don't always know how to put what I'm feeling into words. And maybe even that's not entirely true, maybe I just choose not to put it down into words. Who knows and who cares.
At a time in my life when things should be simple and easy, many days they feel far from that. Most days I feel like I'm going through the motions of life - Get up. Go to work. Do work. Leave work. Run errands. Go home. Eat. Exercise. Try to sleep. Repeat.
I think about where my life is in general and am I happy with certain areas of it.
Kids - They are all out on their own now, that's a definite plus. There are no longer the stressors of raising and providing for them. No more worrying about food in their mouths, clothes on their back, or doctor appointments and bills, to start. No more dealing with their dickhead of a dad. That makes me happy.
Grands - They're great. I have more than I thought I would at this age but I love them and they are the source of smiles and laughter, sometimes when I'm least expecting it. They make me happy.
Work - I am in a job that I am far from happy with. I find no joy in the monotonous tasks of the day. I have little to no respect for management to upper management. I have no desire to climb up, to better myself for the job as well as for the company. I really don't care. The only reason I go day after day is because I make decent pay for the tasks expected of me. I, by no means, imagined I would still be working for this company in any capacity for as long as I have. The silver lining is that I am employed and I do get paid which in turn pays the bills. Most times, I feel stuck and in feeling stuck, not happy.
Relationships - I think about decisions I've made and more importantly decisions I need to make in my life. I find myself overwhelmingly frustrated by the effects of making or not making those same decisions. They weigh heavy on my heart and on my mind. I feel cowardly. Like I need to man up and just do it but I fail. I. Continually. Fail. Why can't I just do what I need to do, for myself? For me? Why can't I put how I feel ahead of everyone else for a change? Why am I so insignificant compared to others? Whyyyyy? I feel afraid. Afraid that after being given another opportunity to be truly happy, that while I work through my failure of doing, I will lose the best part of me. That is, if I'm not already. There are things said in regular conversation and even the things not said, too, that leave me feeling that way. Maybe I'm over thinking things but more than likely I'm not. Even though he's been more than patient, understanding and supportive (for lack of a better word) regarding the situation I am in, I sense that he's growing tired of the time it's taking and to be honest, I can't say that I would blame him.
*************
I walked away from this blog for a bit but as I return, I don't feel like sharing any more than I've already typed. I even considered deleting the above but I will resist the urge and click Publish as that was my intention in the first place. Blah.
At a time in my life when things should be simple and easy, many days they feel far from that. Most days I feel like I'm going through the motions of life - Get up. Go to work. Do work. Leave work. Run errands. Go home. Eat. Exercise. Try to sleep. Repeat.
I think about where my life is in general and am I happy with certain areas of it.
Kids - They are all out on their own now, that's a definite plus. There are no longer the stressors of raising and providing for them. No more worrying about food in their mouths, clothes on their back, or doctor appointments and bills, to start. No more dealing with their dickhead of a dad. That makes me happy.
Grands - They're great. I have more than I thought I would at this age but I love them and they are the source of smiles and laughter, sometimes when I'm least expecting it. They make me happy.
Work - I am in a job that I am far from happy with. I find no joy in the monotonous tasks of the day. I have little to no respect for management to upper management. I have no desire to climb up, to better myself for the job as well as for the company. I really don't care. The only reason I go day after day is because I make decent pay for the tasks expected of me. I, by no means, imagined I would still be working for this company in any capacity for as long as I have. The silver lining is that I am employed and I do get paid which in turn pays the bills. Most times, I feel stuck and in feeling stuck, not happy.
Relationships - I think about decisions I've made and more importantly decisions I need to make in my life. I find myself overwhelmingly frustrated by the effects of making or not making those same decisions. They weigh heavy on my heart and on my mind. I feel cowardly. Like I need to man up and just do it but I fail. I. Continually. Fail. Why can't I just do what I need to do, for myself? For me? Why can't I put how I feel ahead of everyone else for a change? Why am I so insignificant compared to others? Whyyyyy? I feel afraid. Afraid that after being given another opportunity to be truly happy, that while I work through my failure of doing, I will lose the best part of me. That is, if I'm not already. There are things said in regular conversation and even the things not said, too, that leave me feeling that way. Maybe I'm over thinking things but more than likely I'm not. Even though he's been more than patient, understanding and supportive (for lack of a better word) regarding the situation I am in, I sense that he's growing tired of the time it's taking and to be honest, I can't say that I would blame him.
*************
I walked away from this blog for a bit but as I return, I don't feel like sharing any more than I've already typed. I even considered deleting the above but I will resist the urge and click Publish as that was my intention in the first place. Blah.
